Estonia x Shaquille O'Neal
by The Nordic Losers
Summary: Estonia is secretly a huge fan of Shaquille O'Neal. When Lithuania goes to visit Poland and Latvia visits his friend Sealand, Estonia decides it's time to get Shaq-ified. When America gets mad, he decides to have Russia deal with Estonia. What happens in the strange night with Estonia is nearly...too...CUMBERSOME.


*********I DO NOT OWN: Hetalia, Estonia, Shaquille O'Neal, Latvia, America, Owl City, or anything else. All of it belongs to Hidekaz Himuraya and Shaquille O'Neal belongs to...well...himself I guess. And Owl City is so shitty, well, I guess it belongs to the ONE DUDE who calls himself after a BAND. But that's not my point. I don't own Owl City. Anyways this was just for fun...nothing too serious. Meant to be stupid/funny.*******I DON'T OWN THIS...I JUST WROTE IT AS A STORY**

Estonia x Shaquille O'Neal Fanfic

Estonia walked into his house. It was late at night, and all the pervert could think of was little boys, especially Latvia. Latvia was pretty much all he could think of. And his idol, Shaq.

Shaq was another story in Estonia's book. Estonia had written so many stories where he and Shaq were a couple. Or he and Shaq and Latvia were having a threesome. He wished that the last one had come true, as he loved both with a burning passion like no other.

Estonia grabbed a cucumber from a bowl conveniently placed on his counter and started licking it rather disturbingly. He pretended that it was Latvia or Shaq's "cucumber" and that he was pleasuring them. That was all that Estonia wanted.

After hewas done being a pervert with the cucumber, he went down the hall to where Lithuania and Latvia both had their rooms. Luckily for both of them, Lithuania was at Poland's house (as a request of Poland) and Latvia was spending time with Sealand, Sweden, and Finland for a few weeks to get a bit of time without Russia watching down their backs.

Estonia slipped into Latvia's room and saw that everything was in place. Nothing was messed up or spilled on, like a normal teenager's room, but right in place. Estonia was trying to find one specific thing though; a yearbook. He looked over on Latvia's well-organized bookshelf and found it almost right away.

"Haha," Estonia said, pulling off the book. It was a hardcover book so it was heavy in his hands, which Estonia sort-of liked. He looked over on Latvia's bed and smirked as he thought of the small child laying there.

He was preparing to sit down on his sofa and "enjoy his body" while reading Latvia's yearbook when he heard a knock at his door. He set the yearbook down under a pillow and went to go answer the door, wondering who the hell would bother him this late at night.

Estonia looked out the window and saw it was America. He opened the door and was going to ask what the fuck he wanted when Alfred trampled over him, leaving Estonia sprawled on the floor.

"Hey bro 'sup?" Alfred said, putting his hands on his hips in his normal "hero" stance, "So, where's the computer?"

"W-what computer?" Edvard asked timidly, afraid that Alfred had seen the, um, 'interesting' videos he was watching on his laptop during the last world meeting they had.

"The one with the virus, duh!" America said, pulling out a Snicker's bar and eating it in like two seconds.

"Oh, that one," Estonia said, leading Alfred to his bedroom where he kept his laptop. "I think Russia put a virus on it."

"Alright man, no problem. That commie is totally going down because I am the MOTHERFUCKIN' HERO!" Alfred yelled, bouncing off of Estonia's bed and diving on the rolling chair Estonia had in front of his desk.

"Please be careful, America!" Estonia warned, not wanting Alfred to knock all the papers off of his secret Playgirl books and having _that_little secret exposed.

"Scheese, ok man," Alfred said, logging on Estonia's computer and finding Estonia's last search. It was a bunch of pictures of little boys like Latvia.

"WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?" Alfred yowled, grabbing the screen of Estonia's computer and shaking it. "Is this part of the virus?!"

"Y-y-eah, it's c-c-called the "little-boys-that-appear-on-computer-screens" virus," Estonia stuttered, hoping his secret wouldn't get exposed.

"Um, ok dude, whatever you say!" America said, spinning around obnoxiously in Edvard's office chair.

Edvard sighed as he realized that his secret wouldn't ever get out. Or at least...not yet.

America continued looking on Estonia's internet and pretty soon had started uploading a firewall and tracking system for the hacker on his computer.

"Hey man, it's cold in this damn house, do you have like a sweater or something?" America asked, sad that he had forgotten his bomber jacket at England's house the other day on a visit.

"Yeah, in the closet." Estonia said before realizing that the closet he was refering to was THE CLOSET. The one with his Shaquille O'Neal blow up doll in it. HIS favourite doll. HIS only doll besides the discount Owl City doll he also got. But Shaq, Shaq was his favourite.

Before Estonia could even stop Alfred he opened the closet.

"Hey, Estonia, what the fuck is this, dude?" Alfred laughed as he pulled out the Shaq doll. As he did that, a pile of rotting cucumbers fell on the floor. "Eeeewww what is that? I think he just took a huge shit on the floor."

"Um...I needed a place to store my cucumbers?" Estonia said, hoping Alfred wouldn't catch on that it was a blow up doll. And blow up dolls normally aren't meant for storage of food. At least, not this type.

"Isn't this a _blow up doll_?" America said, making Estonia's fears come true. "Aren't those meant for...you know?"

"Uh, n-no," Estonia said, trying to grab Shaq out of Alfred's nasty, greasy hands. "It's meant for storing food."

"But why did he take a huge dump on the carpet?" Alfred questioned, starting to severely annoy Estonia.

"Because...I left the cucumbers in there too long," Edvard sighed, hoping that the software would just download and Alfred would get the hell out of his house. It was almost 2:00 already, but to Alfred it was only like 22:00.

"What is up with your cucumber obsession man? It's kinda...creepy." America said, still holding the Shaquille doll. "And what's all this white stuff on him?"

"Uhh...paint from my walls." Estonia made up the first excuse he could think of.

"But none of your walls are white or even close to white." America said, smirking at Estonia. Estonia was pretty sure Alfred was going to figure him out any second now.

"I was helping a buddy," Estonia said, nodding his head to try to make it more believable.

"Who?" America said, curious and clearly not giving up.

"Um...Russia?" Estonia said, thinking of the first person that came to his mind besides Latvia or Shaq.

"Russia's not your friend. And I've been to his house; he has wallpaper and brick. And wood. And besides...why would you take a Shaquille O'Neal doll to _Russia's _house, of all places? Russia would probably break it as soon as he saw it," Alfred questioned, worrying Estonia even farther.

"Because...Ivan wanted to see it." Estonia lied, hoping that Alfred wouldn't bring this up or try to insult Russia with this later.

"Ok," Alfred said, still staring at the 'paint' all over the Shaq doll.

"Stop looking at it Alfred!" Estonia said, grabbing the doll and shoving it back in the closet, closing the door on Alfred's hand.

"Oww! What was that for?!" Alfred cried, holding his hand and looking at the red mark that was almost destined to bruise now. "You fool, why'd you do that?"

"Because you were messing with Shaq. Nobody messes with Shaq." Estonia said, starting to get angry at Alfred for questioning him, "Only I mess with Shaq."

"Dude, why're you gettin' all creepy about this? It's just some dumb doll..." Alfred said, yanking open the closet again. "Just some dumb doll."

Alfred raised his foot over the doll like he was going to step on it. Estonia realized what Alfred was going to do and moved over to try and protect Shaq. After all, Shaq was his idol. To him...Shaq was god.

"Don't step on Shaq!" Estonia yelped, grabbing the foot of the doll as Alfred stepped on Shaq's shoulder part. "Stop being mean to Shaq!"

"Bro, it's just a _doll._ It's not like your mommy or something," America snickered as Estonia was on the verge of tears. "Aaaw poor wittle Edvard. Is Shaq your daddy? Is Shaq the big daddy to you? Aw poor Edvard."

Alfred finally destroyed the Shaq doll as it exploded with a little 'whoosh.' To Alfred, the whoosh was satisfying. To Estonia, it had destroyed every and all of his dreams.

"You're gonna pay for this, America!" Estonia said, running out of the room and chasing Alfred all over his house. "I fuckin' hate you!"

"Why, 'cause I destroyed your doll?" America laughed, pausing in the middle of Estonia's living room and causing Estonia to fall over. Estonia grabbed Alfred's leg and tried to pull him down so he could beat the shit out of Alfred for what he did.

"You...you destroyed Shaq!" Estonia said. To him Shaq wasn't a doll. Shaq was a friend. Shaq was a person. It was as if Alfred had just murdered somebody and not popped a doll.

"Why do you even have that creepy doll anyway?" Alfred said, "Haven't you gotten like a girlfriend or something yet? Surely this isn't, your, um,"

"My what?" Estonia said, pinning Alfred up against the wall. "My what?"

"Your...uh...partner?" America said, not knowing what else to call the creepy doll.

"Shaq is more than just my partner. Shaq is life. Shaq is what keeps me going every day! I get back from Russia's house and I tuck Latvia in and sometimes say goodnight to Toris if he's here, but I'd give it all up for Shaq." Estonia said, almost in shock that he was admitting his true feelings for Shaq.

"In world meetings and stuff nobody really understands me. I mean, Lithuania and Latvia kind of do but nobody else gets to that level. Latvia can understand me more than Lithuania, but even he goes to Sealand's house sometimes. And Lithuania and Poland are like best friends or whatever, I wouldn't doubt that Lithuania hasn't done Poland already, he's pretty quiet about stuff as far as that goes. But they talk on the phone every night and sometimes Poland even calls him in the middle of the day just to check that Toris is ok and isn't having another panic attack.

"I've tried talking to Latvia about loneliness and stuff but I mean he has a close friend like Sealand. And of course Sealand's in good hands with his parents...and I've got nobody. Nobody but Shaq. Shaq is like my bff. Shaq has been there ever since I bought him. You're not even close to comparing to Shaq, Alfred," Estonia swept his nasty coloured eyes over Alfred, "You're nothing."

"Dude get off me," America said, pushing the weaker country off of him, "I'm leaving and calling Russia over here to deal with your sorry ass,"

"No, Alfred, please no," Estonia said, suddenly regretting almost everything. "Please don't call Russia over here, he'd kill me."

"Yeah, ok," Alfred said, slamming the front door as hard as he could, "Good luck getting anybody over here again to visit you."

Estonia sat back down on the sofa as if nothing had happened. He started 'enjoyin' his body' before a knock came to his door. He sighed and knew who it was. It would be kind of awkward answering the door if it was Russia since Estonia had an epic boner.

"Hello Estonia," a very thick Russian voice came from behind the door as Estonia was making his way to answer it, "America just called a few minutes ago and told me very interesting story. He said I might have to come over and make sure 'your sorry ass is ok'."

Estonia trembled as he tried to hide his epic boner from Russia. What would Russia do? It's not as if Russia was a very nice guy when he got mad anyways, and what if Russia thought that Estonia was turned on by him? Never, Estonia thought. Never.

"He told me something about this Shaq guy. Who is Shaq, Estonia?" Russia cheerfully said as he undid his coat.

"Uuuh, Russia, it's pretty late um you wanna come over tomorrow and discuss this?" Estonia asked, worried that Ivan found figure him out and punish him for it.

"No." Ivan said, his violet eyes reflecting in the dim light of Estonia's home.

"Um ok. Uh Shaq is, a, a, friend of mine and Alfred just wanted to meet him, that's all," Estonia said, hoping that Ivan wouldn't ask to meet Shaq or see a picture of him or anything.

"Oh, I see. What does your friend Shaq look like?" Estonia's heart sank as Russia sat on his sofa right next to Latvia's yearbook. Russia would be staying for a while, he assumed.

"Uh, here," Estonia pulled out his smartphone and pulled up a picture of Shaquille making a basket. "This is Shaq-Shaquille making a basket."

"Oh he plays basketball. I like that game." Russia said, smiling as he looked at the picture of Shaq.

Estonia sighed a bit. Russia seemed as if he was giving up on the whole Shaquille thing as of the moment, and he hadn't even noticed Estonia's epic boner.

"Hey, Estonia, what is this?" Russia said, picking up Latvia's yearbook, "This is Latvia's yearbook, yes?"

"Uh, yeah. Ravis was just looking at it I guess before he left."

"Oh, where is our little friend Latvia? I haven't seen him for a few days. I assume he's with Peter, yes?"

"Y-ye-ah he's just spending a couple days with Peter and Berwald and Tino. He just wanted to take a little, eh, vacation." Estonia was trying to make up a good excuse for Latvia leaving besides escaping Russia.

"You sure he's not trying to avoid me?" Ivan said, smiling over at Estonia.

"Nope. He just wanted to see Peter and stuff. They had some stuff they wanted to do I guess." Estonia said, shaking now as he sat down on the sofa opposite of Russia.

"Like what?" Russia said, and Estonia silently hated him for a minute. Why must all the others be so nosy about HIS business? Why couldn't they just leave Edvard alone and go bother somebody else?

"Uh, paint? And fish, yeah, they were going fishing, definitely." Estonia said, laughing nervously and pulling a blanket around his waist area to attempt to cover up the massive boner.

"Ok, thanks Estonia." Russia said, leaving sooner than Estonia had ever guessed.

"Where are you going?" Estonia asked as Russia took a turn into his bedroom instead of through the front door. "D-don't go back there!"

"Why not, Estonia? Apparently you've got nothing to hide, so I'm just checking out, yes?" Russia smiled as he turned on the lights to Estonia's room. "Oh, look at this," Russia picked up the now flat and saggy Shaquille doll off the floor.

"Hey, whaddya know, Alfred must've left that there," Estonia chuckled nervously and stood back from Russia. "Um...you want to throw it in the trash can or something...?"

"No. I want to know what _this _is." Russia grinned even harder as he pointed to all the 'white paint' on the Shaq doll. "And what is this a doll of?"

"How-how-how'dya know it was a doll?" Estonia asked, worried that Alfred had already told Russia everything.

"I'm not stupid, Estonia. Don't ever mistake me for stupid," Russia said, balling up the doll in one fist. "You mistake me for stupid, I may just mistake your gas for, well, let's just say "stupid"."

"Um...the...the white stuff, is, um, um, it's paint." Estonia said, shuddering as the crinkling of the doll echoed through his mind. That was Shaq. Shaq! And Ivan was killing him, AGAIN!

"Oh, you paint, do you?" Ivan said, now starting to rip the doll. The plastic kind of fell to the floor and made Estonia want to rip off Russia's head.

"Yeah. I painted some...stuff for Lithuania. He wanted a birthday present for Poland. And then...uh...Finland...wanted his room painted, er, like a creme colour. So I just offered to, you know, paint that stuff." Estonia said, hoping that Russia hadn't visited Finland and Sweden lately, as Finland's room was really a light blue colour, far from the colour on the doll.

"Oh really. What was the painting of that you gave Lithuania?" Russia smiled and wrapped his arm around Estonia as he sat down on the same couch as him.

"Uh," Estonia said, thinking of something that Poland might like, "A pony."

"You gave Lithuania a picture of a pony?" Russia asked, raising his eyebrows as if not believing what Estonia was saying at all.

"Yeah, he said Feliks wanted a picture of a pony, so I painted a picture of a white pony." Estonia said, laughing a bit at how clever he perceived himself as.

"Oh, alright. I'll have to ask Toris about it next time I see the little fellow," Russia said, smirking slightly. He wasn't stupid; he knew EXACTLY what was on the doll. And it wasn't 'white paint'...

Russia leaned into Estonia and whispered, "And Latvia...did you...'paint him white'?

Estonia was so panicked because Russia knew everything. Or at least he was fairly certain that Russia had figured him out. The last thing he remembered was glimpsing Russia leaving out the heavy door and disappearing off into the night.

When young Latvia came home the next day from visiting Sealand's family, he discovered Estonia laying on the floor, laying in a pile of shredding Shaq parts. Sweden made sure that Latvia had made it inside okay before backing up the Volvo he and Finland owned and drove them all home. Boy, did Sealand get an interesting phone call from Latvia later. And didn't Lithuania have to hear all about it when he came home from Poland's house.

~~~~THE END~~~~


End file.
